So I'm writing this after probably one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a little while. In previous posts, I've written about my issues with self harm (an eating disorder and cutting), but I haven't really talked very much about my panic attacks.
I am very lucky in that I don't have a chronic issue with panic attacks, and I wouldn't say that this is a full blown disorder, but it is getting both better and yet worse at the same time. I think I've always been an anxious person, and a bit of a worry wort. Some things just make me a little bit more anxious then most other people. For example, I like to live in my comfortable little bubble, and so changes, no matter how small can make me VERY nervous and overwhelmed. I also hate being a passenger in a car. I just prefer to be the driver and therefore have control of the situation, which being a passenger doesn't allow. This can vary depending on whom I'm driving with, and how much a trust them, and I have made people pull over and let me drive to quell my anxiety. There are other things that can make me feel this way, and usually have to do with my many neurotic tendencies and fears.
Even sitting here, writing this… I'm getting anxious. Which I find very interesting. When I was talking about my eating disorder or cutting, I could have cared less about what anybody thought. I am not ashamed of having struggled with those issues and having over come them. But writing about my anxiety and panic, I feel very exposed, and afraid of being judged. I always think that people are just going to think that I'm "just being dramatic", which I can just be from time to time.
Sometimes I can completely predict when I will have a melt down, which of course makes the melt down worse because I get more nervous about the impending doom and embarrassment. An example would be when I have to give a presentation in class. I just DREAD talking in front of a room full of people and I imagine flinging myself off of a building rather then having to get up in front of a class and give a speech.
Other times, like tonight, it just creeps up on me. Tonight, I was just sitting and doing homework, when BAM! Flood of tears, shaking, hyperventilating… The works basically. And then the melt down about stats homework, led to freaking out about all my school work this week, on top of trying to do everything else I need to do to be a grown up, and the next thing I knew, I was curled up on the floor for 45 mins wishing I could melt away.
I think that is what people who are lucky enough to have normal responses to stress don't understand. The fact that I would rather crawl into a hole, turn invisible or die, then feel the way I feel in that particular moment. I think that sometimes people think that I'm doing it for attention, when all I really want, what I pray for, is that nobody looks at me or notices. That's the thing!! Trust me, I really don't want to draw any attention to myself when I'm in the middle of my worst nightmare. It is this crazy intense shock to the system, like I'm being electrocuted. And since I have such issues with control and feeling like I'm always in control, this is the WORST possible way for me to feel.
In some ways, it is getting better for me. I can control my nerves better when speaking in class, although… it's still not great. Even some of my everyday nervous tendencies are better controled. I can sit in a car, even when I'd rather stunt roll out of the moving car, then continue to sit there convinced they are trying to kill me. But what I have noticed is that when I do have a panic attack, or a freak out, they seem to be much worse then before. I guess there is always room for self improvement!!