Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Return the Love Letter

So I've decided to bust back onto the dating scene. Apparently being 31 and "still single" is a crime and I would say that, yes, my life is a bit boring as of late and it would be nice to get out and meet people.

So I was on OkCupid and without much success… So a friend told me to join Tinder. Now, what I had heard about Tinder in the past did make it seem like this was a site I really wanted to be on, however, after it was explained to me, it didn't seem have bad. So I joined. I have to say, it's been pretty fun. And I've met some great guys!

But this is what bothers me about dating in "this day and age"… You don't really date. You hang out, go for coffee, hook up, get together, but you don't really "date". It sucks!! I can't stand that sort of ambiguity right off the bat. Whenever I guy does use the word DATE, I automatically say yes. I think that is so awesome.

And I miss dating rituals as well. As much as the idea of "courtship" makes me cringe, it is sort of nice to think that a guy is making an effort and wooing you a little bit. I love getting cute little text messages and emails everyone once and awhile. But what I really wish would return is the love letter. There is something about having something in there writing, that is completely amazing to me. Plus, I just love getting letters, having them arrive in the mail with a stamp and a post mark. I don't know… There is just something romantic about letter writing in general that appeals to me.


So let us bring back the lost art of the love letter!!

Friday, October 30, 2015

Well… The last few days

The last few days have been rough ones. I did a presentation at work and I am naturally my own worst critic because I think it went horribly. I have no real evidence to suggest that it did but that is just where my mind keeps going and every time I think about it I want to cry (and more often then not, I do).

And then there is the new guy that I'm seeing. It's been so long since I was dating and dating a guy I actually really like and get along with that I'm convinced that the other shoe will drop and he'll realize how crazy I am. Again, I have no evidence to suggest this and he in fact says that he likes me and wants to get to know me better.

So I guess what this post is really about is how hard I am on myself. I am my worst critic, my biggest obstacle and my total worst enemy. I hate the nasty little voice in my head!! I think that I'm generally a confident and capable person and I know that I'm pretty and funny and people generally like me… So why does this pain in the ass voice win every single time.

I know that I shouldn't listen to her. But it's impossible to ignore sometimes when I feel like she is screaming at me sometimes with every breath I take!!

I hope this will pass and I'll be able to go back to being my dorky normally insecure self as opposed to the raging lunatic I feel like I'm being now. I'm going to focus on what I love and what I know I'm good at, like writing (and reading and eating… You get it). And I am comforted by the fact that I know that this is not just me. There are lots of men and women that feel like this at times.

LOVE YOU ALL!!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Taking Care of Yourself

I feel like my posts lately have been really centred on how stressed out and crazed I am. So to change it up, I thought today I would write about what I am doing to start to help myself.

When you are really stressed out and overwhelmed, it's really easy to forget about the little things in your life, and it's amazing the impact that it can have. I know that I have let a few things slip in the last few months and now I'm really trying to refocus on getting back into good habits.

One of the things that I have been bad at is cleaning. My place has never been a nasty mess, but it also hasn't been very tidy in the last few months. So everyday for the last week I've been focusing on getting one thing/room/area tidy and organized. It's amazing how just focusing on doing one small project a day has made a huge difference in how I feel. Slowly I feel like I'm getting rid of the clutter and junk and getting back to myself!!

I also noticed that I didn't have my blinds open for a really long time. It was no wonder that I was always feeling so grey and blah when I had no natural light coming into my apartment!!

I also decided to focus on what I enjoyed doing and focus less on what was stressing me out! Getting back to reading and writing has made a HUGE difference in how I've been feeling lately, and who knows, maybe once I'm done my novel it'll be published and I'll make a million dollars and all my problems will be solved!! (Ahhh, the dream)

I also continue the job search and apply to every job I find interesting. Some I'm not qualified for, others I'm over qualified for, some I just don't even know!! But I'm interested in all of them, so hopefully something happens there.

But as always, I ask for you to send me positive vibes and love my way! And if you know of any jobs that you think I might be awesome at, let me know!!

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The SemiColon Project

By now I'm sure that most of you have heard of Project SemiColon. Started in 2013, it was started to show support for those who battle depression and suicide and has now grown to include all mental health issues. Originally, people were encouraged to draw a semicolon on their wrist to show their support for those who battle with depression. It has since turned into a global movement and semicolon tattoos are showing up everywhere!!

I really liked the idea of the semicolon tattoo. As someone who has battled depression and suicidal thoughts in the past as well as my current struggle with anxiety, the idea of showing my support on my skin ran pretty deep. So a few weeks ago, I added myself to the list of those who were their struggle on their skin.

I proudly rock that on my right wrist (I'm right handed) so that I can see it every time I look down and I'm reminded of where I've been and how hard I've worked to get to where I am now.

I still have bad days. I still have days where the voice in my head is louder then the one in my heart. And my current struggles have not made life any easier. But I have an amazing family and great friends and they help me to remember that it's ok to have a bad day. It's alright to fail and struggle and that you don't have to be happy everyday. Somedays are just going to suck and be miserable. But waking up the next morning and getting back out there is a huge deal.

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all, I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
                                                                                                                 - Agatha Christie

Monday, September 21, 2015

This has been the hardest period of my life… And it's only getting worse.

So… In May of this year I was laid off from my job. Not because I was a terrible employee, or did something wrong, but because the company that I worked for closed in Canada. ALOT of people were effected by this and it came at a pretty crappy time as many other companies were also closing and the oil industry in Alberta was also slowing down. At first, I really wasn't worried. I thought I'd get a job no problem!! How wrong I was. 

I thought about it, and started to wonder if this was a good time to move out of retail and get into something more 9-5, Monday to Friday. Something where I could put my fancy education to good use!! I thought I'd maybe get unemployment for a while and I had some money saved up… I'd be OK. I regret that thinking everyday

Because despite the fact that I am smart and capable and pretty willing and eager to learn new things, still I have NO JOB. Worse yet, I have applied to almost 200 jobs and only recieved 1 phone call about an interview that was a job that I wasn't well suited for. To say that I am frustrated, is understanding the problem. 

I'm trying very hard to stay positive. I've gone on medication to help control my anxiety (I still have VERY bad days, but they are much fewer), and my parents have been a big help as well. I've had a huge amount of support from those around me and some great friends have stepped in to see what they can do to help, but still no progress. *SIGH* 

Dealing with the government is endlessly frustrating, I'm rapidly running out of savings and my parents can only bail me out so much, so I'm sending this - my desperate plea for help - out into the universe. You've never failed me before universe and whatever lesson you're trying to teach me, I'm willing to learn. But enough is enough don't you think?! 


And with that, I welcome and insight, words of encouragement, helpful hints, mental hugs. Because life is hard, and I need a hug right now. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

A little bit about anxiety

I haven't written in a while, and I'm very sorry. Well, sort of sorry. Life happened! Lol

I thought I would get back into the swing of things by writing about something that I have been struggling with over the last few months and that is my anxiety.

If you have never had another panic attack, let me try and describe for you what it feels like to have an anxiety/panic attack.


It's like a tornado. A tornado is basically wind. Just wind. How bad can wind be? But a tornado doesn't just appear out of a perfect blue sky, it builds slowly. Its the same thing for an attack. It starts with one thought, just like a cloud. One bad, mean, grumpy thought. I'll use the thought "You will FAIL" for this example. So there is it - the FAIL cloud. It's just a single cloud and there is nothing dangerous about a single cloud. But it attracts more clouds. And they are all the reasons that you are going to FAIL, little BECAUSE clouds. You are going to FAIL BECAUSE: you're not prepared, you're not smart, you're not funny, they don't like you. And now you have a storm going on inside you're head. 

Suddenly, you find yourself agreeing with the clouds. That has to be it. Of course you're going to FAIL. How could you possible succeed? And that is the wind picking up. and it begins to swirl around and pick up speed. Pretty soon it's picking up junk from everywhere inside your head. "You're fat." "No one likes you." "You drive that wrong car and that is why you're going to FAIL." And the wind just keeps picking up, and then before you know what's happening, it's a tornado. 

Outside of your head are the things that everyone can see. They can see you shaking and nervous. The beads of sweat, the tears rolling down your cheeks. I pace back and fourth trying to stop that shaking (it rarely works - but helps to burn off the nervous energy.)



So that is what a panic attack feels like if you are lucky enough to never have had one. Now while this is going on, I am completely aware that this is completely irrational. That I will not fail, and if I do fail, it will not be because I drive the wrong car, or because I'm not funny or not prepared. Sometimes you just fail. And that's ok. But those thoughts, the ones that are trying to scream over the clouds, sometimes are just not loud enough and then I completely crumble and have a panic attack that involves  A LOT of crying and a good nuclear meltdown. 

Sometimes that feels pretty good. It's like an emotional cleanse. And after the tornado, once the sky is clear again, I can go back to trying to succeed again and sorting it out. Most of the time, because I'm actually kind of lucky when it comes to my anxiety, I can catch myself as the clouds are rolling in and stop the wind from building. I can manage to stop and run down what would happen if I did fail. Which is usually nothing. NOTHING horrible will happen if I fail. I won't die. Nobody else will die. I'll just have to try again. And that's ok. I can do that.

I'm also really lucky in that I don't have panic attacks very often. I have actually gone years without a major one, and months and months without a small one, so I'm very fortunate. I do feel anxious a lot, but it's not usually something that turns into an attack and it's pretty minor compared to what so many other people go through. 

So please, if you know somebody who has anxiety, be patient and kind. Be understanding. Don't tell them to "just calm down", or "get over it". Because believe me, we would if we could!!