The SemiColon Project

By now I'm sure that most of you have heard of Project SemiColon. Started in 2013, it was started to show support for those who battle depression and suicide and has now grown to include all mental health issues. Originally, people were encouraged to draw a semicolon on their wrist to show their support for those who battle with depression. It has since turned into a global movement and semicolon tattoos are showing up everywhere!!

I really liked the idea of the semicolon tattoo. As someone who has battled depression and suicidal thoughts in the past as well as my current struggle with anxiety, the idea of showing my support on my skin ran pretty deep. So a few weeks ago, I added myself to the list of those who were their struggle on their skin.

I proudly rock that on my right wrist (I'm right handed) so that I can see it every time I look down and I'm reminded of where I've been and how hard I've worked to get to where I am now.

I still have bad days. I still have days where the voice in my head is louder then the one in my heart. And my current struggles have not made life any easier. But I have an amazing family and great friends and they help me to remember that it's ok to have a bad day. It's alright to fail and struggle and that you don't have to be happy everyday. Somedays are just going to suck and be miserable. But waking up the next morning and getting back out there is a huge deal.

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all, I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.

                                                                                                                 - Agatha Christie

This has been the hardest period of my life… And it's only getting worse.

So… In May of this year I was laid off from my job. Not because I was a terrible employee, or did something wrong, but because the company that I worked for closed in Canada. ALOT of people were effected by this and it came at a pretty crappy time as many other companies were also closing and the oil industry in Alberta was also slowing down. At first, I really wasn't worried. I thought I'd get a job no problem!! How wrong I was. 

I thought about it, and started to wonder if this was a good time to move out of retail and get into something more 9-5, Monday to Friday. Something where I could put my fancy education to good use!! I thought I'd maybe get unemployment for a while and I had some money saved up… I'd be OK. I regret that thinking everyday. 

Because despite the fact that I am smart and capable and pretty willing and eager to learn new things, still I have NO JOB. Worse yet, I have applied to almost 200 jobs and only recieved 1 phone call about an interview that was a job that I wasn't well suited for. To say that I am frustrated, is understanding the problem. 

I'm trying very hard to stay positive. I've gone on medication to help control my anxiety (I still have VERY bad days, but they are much fewer), and my parents have been a big help as well. I've had a huge amount of support from those around me and some great friends have stepped in to see what they can do to help, but still no progress. *SIGH* 

Dealing with the government is endlessly frustrating, I'm rapidly running out of savings and my parents can only bail me out so much, so I'm sending this - my desperate plea for help - out into the universe. You've never failed me before universe and whatever lesson you're trying to teach me, I'm willing to learn. But enough is enough don't you think?! 


And with that, I welcome and insight, words of encouragement, helpful hints, mental hugs. Because life is hard, and I need a hug right now. 

A little bit about anxiety

I haven't written in a while, and I'm very sorry. Well, sort of sorry. Life happened! Lol

I thought I would get back into the swing of things by writing about something that I have been struggling with over the last few months and that is my anxiety.

If you have never had another panic attack, let me try and describe for you what it feels like to have an anxiety/panic attack.

It's like a tornado. A tornado is basically wind. Just wind. How bad can wind be? But a tornado doesn't just appear out of a perfect blue sky, it builds slowly. Its the same thing for an attack. It starts with one thought, just like a cloud. One bad, mean, grumpy thought. I'll use the thought "You will FAIL" for this example. So there is it - the FAIL cloud. It's just a single cloud and there is nothing dangerous about a single cloud. But it attracts more clouds. And they are all the reasons that you are going to FAIL, little BECAUSE clouds. You are going to FAIL BECAUSE: you're not prepared, you're not smart, you're not funny, they don't like you. And now you have a storm going on inside you're head. 

Suddenly, you find yourself agreeing with the clouds. That has to be it. Of course you're going to FAIL. How could you possible succeed? And that is the wind picking up. and it begins to swirl around and pick up speed. Pretty soon it's picking up junk from everywhere inside your head. "You're fat." "No one likes you." "You drive that wrong car and that is why you're going to FAIL." And the wind just keeps picking up, and then before you know what's happening, it's a tornado. 

Outside of your head are the things that everyone can see. They can see you shaking and nervous. The beads of sweat, the tears rolling down your cheeks. I pace back and fourth trying to stop that shaking (it rarely works - but helps to burn off the nervous energy.)

So that is what a panic attack feels like if you are lucky enough to never have had one. Now while this is going on, I am completely aware that this is completely irrational. That I will not fail, and if I do fail, it will not be because I drive the wrong car, or because I'm not funny or not prepared. Sometimes you just fail. And that's ok. But those thoughts, the ones that are trying to scream over the clouds, sometimes are just not loud enough and then I completely crumble and have a panic attack that involves  A LOT of crying and a good nuclear meltdown. 

Sometimes that feels pretty good. It's like an emotional cleanse. And after the tornado, once the sky is clear again, I can go back to trying to succeed again and sorting it out. Most of the time, because I'm actually kind of lucky when it comes to my anxiety, I can catch myself as the clouds are rolling in and stop the wind from building. I can manage to stop and run down what would happen if I did fail. Which is usually nothing. NOTHING horrible will happen if I fail. I won't die. Nobody else will die. I'll just have to try again. And that's ok. I can do that.

I'm also really lucky in that I don't have panic attacks very often. I have actually gone years without a major one, and months and months without a small one, so I'm very fortunate. I do feel anxious a lot, but it's not usually something that turns into an attack and it's pretty minor compared to what so many other people go through. 

So please, if you know somebody who has anxiety, be patient and kind. Be understanding. Don't tell them to "just calm down", or "get over it". Because believe me, we would if we could!! 

Domestic Violence

So, in recent news there has been a great deal of talk about domestic violence in the wake of 2 NFL scandals. Now, these conversations are important and valid, but also a little one sided, in my opinion. They focus on men hitting women, and men hitting children. And that happens, a lot more then it ever should. However, there are plenty of cases where women hit men, and women hit children. And people in same sex partnerships can also be victims of domestic violence. So why is the conversation mostly focused on men vs. women and children?

I think that the general view is that this is somehow worse then other types of domestic violence. Boys shouldn't hit girls. And yes, boys shouldn't hit girls, and men shouldn't hit women, and men shouldn't hit children. BUT NOBODY SHOULD HIT ANYBODY ELSE!! Isn't that the message that we should be sending. That nobody deserves to be hit, or slapped, or yelled at and talked down to. That domestic violence in any of it's forms is about power and control and not gender or sexual orientation.

More and more we see on the news that we are becoming an angrier, more violent society. Problems are being solved with fists and knifes and guns. Children, I'm going to repeat that… CHILDREN, are putting put on anti depressants, anti psychotics and mood stabilizers at ever increasing rates (NOTE: I have no firm statistics to back this up since this is not a research paper nor an article, but we all know that it's true). If we weren't somehow failing as a society, how could this be happening? Are children some how crazier then they were 20 or 30 years ago? I'm not sure. But I know that it's not good.

And people are quick to blame video games and rap music for the downturn in children's behaviour. But what I want to know, is where are the parents? I know that parents can't be there all the time, and I don't advocate that you bubble wrap your children and never let them grow. But if you don't want your child listening to rap or playing those games, how come they are. And if they are, shouldn't have a discussion with them about fantasy versus reality and what is except able outside the game, or once the song is over? Isn't that parenting? I can remember being a kid who would love to play out TMNT and we played with toy guns, but my parents explained that that was play. And if we ever picked up a real gun, we wouldn't be long for the world!

I sort of got away from the main topic there… Moving on.

My point is really that we should be focusing on the fact the somebody hit somebody else, and it doesn't matter if they were drunk, and it doesn't matter if she "provoked" it, and it doesn't matter if she stays or goes… It shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't happen to anyone, male or female, grown up or  child. I hope that in the relationship in question that this was an isolated incident and that they are seeking help to understand and move on. I also hope that they are finding a way to explain this to their daughter some day, because thanks to the internet, it will never go away.

Northern Ireland - Day Three

We woke up on day three, and went for an adventure in Enniskillen. We found the high street and did a little browsing. We then went to Enniskillen Castle (less of a castle and more of a stone fort) and wondered through the museum to discover the history of the area. I was really curious about the history of the town since that is where my grandfather was born. We eventually set out to drive to Newcastle. It's a much shorter drive, and very beautiful.

Part of Enniskillen Castle

Enniskillen Castle is now dedicated not only to the history of the area, but it's military history. It was very interesting to see artifacts through to modern warfare. 

We arrived in Newcastle, which is a very cute little coastal town with a great main street along the waterfront. The very reason that we went was to find a small store called Wadsworth's which we did very easily because it is right along the main road. It is a very cute little shop, and after a bit of a visit with the owner (who we are not sure if I am, or am not related too), my mom and I spent sometime just walking around and enjoying the little shops and attractions. We found a great hotel and tucked in for the night so that we could get ready for a final day of driving back to Belfast. 

I do have more photos from both Enniskillen and Newcastle, but they have been lost in the sea of photos on my laptop, but I promise that once I find them again, I will edit and post those, because some of the shots are really beautiful. 

SO MUCH STUFF!!

I pick up the keys to my new apartment today, and I've been packing and organizing, and I realized today that I have WAY too much stuff. There is just an amazing amount of stuff packed into every nook and cranny of my current home. Moving has been a wake up call to stop and think about what I buy before I buy it because I really don't think I need 75% of what I have right now. *sigh* so tired and frustrating.

It is sort of awkward because I know that I can just throw out a lot of things but it's strange because there are memories tied to a lot of it, and I fell bad for letting go. I'm either donating or selling what I can, but there is still a whole lot of stuff that has to go!!


So I'm pleading to my readers - Is it ok to let go of something small even if it has memories?

I'M MOVING!!!

If any of you readers were unaware, I have been living with my dad for the last 7 years! Yes that is right… SEVEN YEARS.

At first it was because my landlord was selling the house (I lived in a basement suite for 4 1/2 years, which was beautiful and I loved it!), and the new owners were willing to keep me as a tenet but wanted to jack up the rent by $600 to $1200, and they had kids which means screaming and crying and running around. NO THANK YOU!

So my dad offered to let me and my dog live with him (which meant that he had to move, so it was a big deal). It was originally going to be temporary, but I decided to take this as an opportunity for a life change and I enrolled in University. It wasn't ideal, and it required some adjusting from the two of us, but we made it work.

But now I am done school, and I woke up one day and realized that I'm 30 and it's time to get back out on my own and try to remember what it is like to be a grown up and pay rent and bills, and manage life again!! The challenging part is the rental market in Alberta is INSANE!! It is super competitive, and expensive, and frankly, you don't get a lot of bang for your buck! So the search was becoming frustrating but thankfully, living with your dad means that you will likely not become homeless any time soon. But then, this past Thursday, I went to my moms house to help her with a few things and run some errands. She had saved the page for that days paper which has rentals listed, and there were a few close to her that I decided to call. I was so lucky because one was still available and the landlord could show me it that afternoon!! So off mom and I go, with it was beautiful! A good size, a great neighbourhood that I am already familiar with (it's about a 15min walk to the house where I grew up and I went to the elementary school close to the apartment for a few years), and the best part - IT WAS AT THE LOW END OF MY BUDGET!! So I filled out the application and after meeting me and my very responsible looking mother, I was told that I had the apartment! The universe was really looking out for me and I am really looking forward to it.

I have been slowly accumulating with bits and bobs that I need, and although there are still a few things that I need, and of course I have to pack, I am pretty ready to move. I am sad to be leaving the Bella (different dog from before), and I can't have any pets at the new place :(

Wish me luck!! And I will keep you updated on the packing the move, the unpacking  - and best of all, the adult living!
xoxo

WOW I've ignored you...

So after getting back from Europe, I had to get out and find myself a grown up job and start my grown up life (still a work in progress), but life is settling down and I'm getting back into the groove!

So I will be picking up with my trip blog and getting those photos up for those of you who are curious, and other wise will hopefully be getting back into writing and hopefully shooting some videos for my YouTube channel!!


Hope life is good for you!

Northern Ireland - Day Two

After a great night in BalleyCastle, we headed to Giants Cosway to explore!! It was a slightly overcast day and pretty windy but it was very beautiful. I highly recommend that if you are going to Northern Ireland, you take the trip to Giants Cosway and Dunluce Castle. And don't worry, you don't have to drive. There are bus tours that take you from Belfast! 

So after leaving Giants Cosway, we headed to Dunluce Castle. It was amazing to see something like that, as we just don't have that kind of history in Canada. It is absolutely breath taking! And I can't describe it in words, so I'm just going to post pictures to show you how stunning it is! 

A view from the castle from the front gate

Remains of the main hall

Beautiful ruins

A view of the ocean from the castle walls

It was such a wonderful day getting to explore natural wonders and amazing history. After we left Dunluce, we headed to Enniskillen. We weren't thinking that it would take very long, but it ended up taking about 5 hours (maybe a little more), because none of the roads are straight, and you have to wind your way through the countryside. It didn't up being such a bad thing. Northern Ireland is such a beautiful country and it was wonderful to get to see green lush fields, and little farms. What my mom and I weren't expecting was that was what is called "marching season", and several little towns that we drove through were having marches to celebrate the Easter Uprising in Dublin. That made navigating much more interesting and I'm glad that mom was driving that day!! But we made it to Enniskillen and found another cute B&B!

Watch out for Day Three tomorrow!

#NobodyDied - Adventures in Northern Ireland

After my mom and I had finished our 4 day adventure in Glasgow, off we headed back to the airport and onto a plane to Belfast!

Step One: Getting the rental car
As my mom and I talked about what we wanted to do and see on this trip, there was a lot in Northern Ireland that was under consideration. Both sides of my family are connected to Northern Ireland, and my paternal grandfather (my dads dad) was born in Enniskillen. So in order to maximize our time and adventure potential, my mom said that we would rent a car! How hard could driving in the UK be?! Yeah… right.

So we pick up the car and get our baggage loaded up, and in mom gets behind the wheel. She couldn't seem to wrap her head around sitting on the right side of the car to drive on the left side of the road, so I offered to drive the first leg of the trip, from Belfast to BalleyCastle. I was confident at the beginning, but once we got onto the highway through Belfast, it was a little intimidating. I was honked at once for being on the right side of the highway going the speed limit and learned my first, and most important lesson about driving in the UK - Just mirror everything that you do at home. If the slow lane at home is the right, it's now the left, if traffic circles go to the right at home, you enter from the left. So off we go to BalleyCastle.

Now the Costal Road looks like a fairly major highway, but let me tell you… it's not. At least not by North American standards. So it was really an adventure when suddenly the road becomes one land each way and very narrow. We often had a stone wall on one side and a shear cliff on the other side. That was when there wasn't on coming traffic coming at you at what felt like break neck speeds. Then we get to the first small town and the nerves really set in! Where here in Alberta, highways don't tend to go directly through small towns (and when they do, you aren't actually going down small town streets, but stay on major roads at slower speeds), but there, it seems like you hit every small town and drive through the winding streets to get back to the Coastal Road. On one hand, it was kind of cool to see all these little towns and villages, but on the other it was annoying and nerve racking! Streets are narrow, and if you live there and need to pack, you just park… right on the road… facing any direction, and traffic just has to move around it. It made it VERY INTERESTING at some points in the journey.

But we arrived in BalleyCastle without killing anybody, or each other. And now we just had to find a hotel or a bed and breakfast for the night. Driving around BalleyCastle just made me anxious because sit was very busy. It was a long weekend and I guess everyone was at the coast! So I pulled over and mom took over. We found a really cute B&B that was an easy walk to the beach. So we parked, unpacked and went to explore! BalleyCastle is beautiful, and we found a pizza joint and had some ice cream and just went for a walk!

Coast line in BalleyCastle

The harbour in BalleyCastle

So that is day one in Northern Ireland! We survived and we didn't manage to kill anybody else either! #NobodyDied

I'm back, and here is a post about my time in Scotland!!!!

Well, I have ignored you for a while, and I'm sorry. I managed to get one post up while on my trip, but that was a bit of a pain because Blogger has very good security and was concerned that someone was hacking my blog. So I gave up on posting while there…

So guess what this is going to be?! Go on, guess!! It's going to be all about my trip!!


Step One: Flight to London.
I have never been flyings #1 fan, and I have never flown for that long before, (I think Edmonton to London is about 8 hours), and let me assure you that it was NOT fun! I thought that flying overnight would mean that I could sleep and get to London well rested. Sadly,  I was wrong. It probably didn't help that I was so excited about finally going that I probably could have flown there without the plane… But I was crapped and couldn't get comfortable. By the time we landed in London, I was both exhausted and wide awake at the same time and probably had the crazy eyes.

Step Two: Flight to Glasgow
So we land in London and make our way through the airport to catch our flight to Glasgow Scotland. I have to say that the security and customs officers have it figured out, and they we both very nice and efficient. Once we got through security we had to wait for a gate to be posted, and who do I see coming out of a restaurant? Heath Slater, the Uso's and The Shield from the WWE. I was a little loopy as I said and I didn't think to get photos with them, but I did managed to point at them as if they were animals in a zoo and that attention did get a wave from one of the Uso's. *sigh* But our gate was posted and off we went to get on the plane and get to Glasgow!

Step Three: Glasgow
We spent out first four days of the trip in Glasgow. I was there to look at the University of Glasgow, which has the graduate program that I am interested in. The campus is AMAZING!! So beautiful and unlike anything that I have ever seen! The program is great and I had such an amazing time during the meeting I had with the program director and the campus tour. THRILLED!

University of Glasgow

The rest of our time in Glasgow was admittedly spent exploring only a small section of the city, but I still managed to fall in love with it, and I could really see myself living in Scotland and I really want to go back and explore more of it! We found some great shopping and a cute little tea shop where we had our breakfast every day and I loved to vibe and energy of the city!! It was a very cool place to be.

The is a building across from our hotel.

This is inside a train station! So pretty!

So that is part one of the extraordinary journey across the United Kingdom! I will be posting tomorrow about our trip around Northern Ireland!

I'm in Scotland!

Well, well, well... I'm finally in Scotland!! I have to say that I am loving it so far! Everyone in Glasgow has been so helpful in making sure that we find our way to where we need to
be. I have been a little surprised by a few things, such as the fact that there are many of the stores and restaurants as there are in Canada and the US. So far we've eaten at a TGI Fridays, and a Pizza Hut. The service is different however... There are also several shops and stores that are the same, with all the same product and I've managed to avoid them thus far! I did buy some cute things from the University of Glasgow and a beautiful vintage purse from a charity shop nearby!

I managed to get a SIM card for my phone with only minor hassle (none of which was the fault of the phone, the company, or the guy helping us).

Today is a shopping and sightseeing day, and I'll update you again before heading to the next destination which is Belfast!!

Toddle pips!!!

Wow… Well I've sucked the last month!

So much for my schedule!! I'm very, very sorry!! I have had a crazy month at school and in life, so I  have neglected you and I apologize. But I'm back now!!

I leave in four days for my month long adventure in Europe!! I'm very excited, and I will be blogging and vlogging while there. I will not be posting videos to my YouTube channel while there, however I will try to keep you all posted here!

So again, I'm very sorry that I have ignored you and I am going to try to be better!

Wish me luck as I still have a few last school related items to finish up, and then I'm leaving on a jet plane! Adios!!

Travel Series #1: DO YOUR RESEARCH!

Traveling can be really exciting but also very stressful. The best way to combat the stress, is to do your research!

So after you choose your destination, hit the internet! The internet is your greatest source of information on any destination, so use it wisely. 

Important things to research:

1) Rules and Regulations! Countries may have different laws, visa requirements, travel restrictions and knowing about these well in advance will save you a lot of time, stress, and delays in the long run! You can often find these on official websites.

2) Weather Conditions! Always find out about what the weather is typically like for where you are going and when you are going. This is important not only for packing, but also planning your itinerary! You will want to know if wherever you are visiting has a rainy season, or high humidity, or maybe a regular heat wave. 

3) Transportation! Many major tourist destinations have amazing public transportation, and may offer discounted passes that allow you unlimited travel on public transport as well as discounted admission into attractions, or deals at restaurants. Look for deals like this!! They save you money and you can usually buy them in advance of your trip! If you are going to rent a car, check to see if you need an international drivers license, and study the rules of the road for the country that you are visiting, especially if you are going to be driving in Europe (for North Americans), or North America (for Europeans). You'll be on a different side of the road on the different side of the car and that can be discombobulating! 

You might also want to look for bus tours and travel packs for major destinations. The downside of doing a bus tour is that it limits the amount of time that you get to spend at an attraction, but check you can usually contact the company and ask how long they typically allow you to spend at each stop. 

4) Attractions and Local Hotspots! Tourism website and travel books are great places to check out what is available to do on your holiday! You'll find out everything you'll need to know, including how to get there, how much you can expect to pay, hours of operation and even if there are certain restrictions (some museums limit the size of bag you are allowed to bring in, or some churches might have clothing requirements). These are important to know and respect, so that you don't have to re-plan your days!

Also be sure to check out any blogs and even YouTube videos because some locals might have some hidden gems, or tips and tricks and other recent travellers will have a lot of insight!

And if you can prebook tickets and times to major attractions, DO IT!! You will be very happy that you did, especially if you are traveling with children.


So those are my FOUR major travel research tips! I hope they helped and enjoy your trip!
See you Friday!

Blog Schedule!!

So I have my blog schedule worked out!! Now, I just have to stick to it!

But here is what I have planned:

Sundays: Posts about what is going on with me and life in general.

Wednesdays: My "Travel Tips" series with what to pack, how to pack and all sorts of tips and tricks for every type of holiday and travel destination.

Fridays: My "Preparing for post grad life" series, where I will talk about job hunting, budgeting to get out of the debt you will have accumulated, and beginning the business of being a grown up!



And since today is Sunday, here is the update about life. I don't have an update. Mom and I have booked out tickets, we are looking at hotels and short term rentals. This are coming along nicely! I have a statistics midterm tomorrow, so I'm nervous about that, but all I can do is study and try hard and hope for the best!! Positive thinking is the best way to overcome the stress.

So that's it!! See you Wednesday!

The Future of my BLOG!! (Duhn duhn duuhhhh…)

Well, it's not exactly earth shattering. I love writing my blog and even if my readership never grows, which I of course hope that it does, I still plan on writing it!! But what I am going to be doing doing is trying to switch it up a little bit. I find that when I sit down to write, it is at random times, about random things. Now although my blog is titled Christie's Mad Mad World, maybe the randomness is just a bit too much. So I am going to be implementing a schedule! So that is number ONE.

The number TWO thing that is going to be changing up is hopefully going to be my writing style. I want to try to make my writing more like a narrative, rather then simply me throwing everything I think onto the "page". This may take some time to change and work the kinks out of, but hopefully the schedule will give me more of an opportunity to be a bit more deliberate with my words.

The THIRD thing that I am going to be attempting is to start a series or two to mix in with my "Hey, this is my life and I'm sure you all find it really interesting" blogs. I have plans to write about tips and tricks for the soon to be post grad, as well as some travel tips and tricks leading up to and during my holiday this summer with my mom. I'm hoping that once I get the schedule firmly established, this will mean that I will have new posts two to three times a week, always on the same days, for you to read and enjoy!!


So that is the plan, and hopefully I'll be able to get that started next week!!
Ta ta! xoxo

Reading Week!! Oh YA!

It is currently Reading Week at my school, and I'm sure many others as well. If you are unfamiliar with Reading Week, it's basically Canadian spring break for universities. And it came at the most perfect time since last Thursday I had a dream that my school was burring to the ground. So I think that a week away was perfectly timed.

Sadly, this does not mean that I get a full week of doing nothing! I have had work (of the "How I pay my bills" variety), as well as some school work to plough though as well! A students life is never done. But I am managing to have a little fun - Mom and I are going to Calgary for a day trip later this week, and a visit with my cousins family, which is always fun!

The sad thing is, I have managed to pull a muscle in my abdomen. :( I have no clue how I managed to do this, except that it probably occurred one right when I was sleeping. Which just seems crazy, but completely plausible, since I am the QUEEN of randomly hurting myself on a regular basis. I am magical like that.


SO… a few updates!
1) I am going to try to make a schedule for blogging as well as uploading videos. This way you and I both know what is happening, and you all will also be getting more planned out blogs, and not just my random thoughts!

2) My weightless goals have been all but abandoned. I just do not have the motivation at this moment, however, I am still sticking with the goals of eating less sugar and junk. Hopefully the resulting feel-betterness will jump start my work out motivation!!

3) I want to get to know you, my loyal… hopefully… readers, and also want to know what you want to know about me! So I'm inviting you to leave comments on this post (or any post that you might have questions about), and I will either answer them here on the blog or in a video! If you don't want to leave your name, or you just don't have a google account, just select "anonymous" and leave your question that way!!

Well, I think that is all I have for you tonight! I am looking forward to questions and comments!!

Sugar is NOT my friend anymore!!

When I decided that I wanted to be healthier and drop a few pounds, I knew that my sugar intake was the first thing that had to go. I spent January weeding myself off of sugar, which made me feel surprisingly sick and disgusting, and GRUMPY!! But I stuck with it, and managed to detox myself off of sugar.

Fast forward to today and my weakness - Conversation Hearts. I love Conversation Hearts! Valentines Day is the best time for candy and chocolate, and the biggest challenge for my sugar detox. But I couldn't resist a tub of Conversation Hearts, and made the mistake of having it sit beside me as I'm working on my school work. BIG MISTAKE!

I have lost track of how many I have had in the last little bit, but my body is quick to remind me that it was WAY too much. My stomach feels awful, my kidneys hurt as they try to process all that awful, processed sugar. So I really think that at this point, I'm done. If this is what is going to happen when I eat sugar, clearly I don't need to eat sugar that badly!! Feeling this disgusting has been the best motivation I could have asked for!!


So now I just need to find the right motivation to get to the gym!!
xoxo

Feeling better and looking forward to Europe!

Well, I'm sitting in a dark corner at school right now waiting for my 7:30 lab to start (it's now 5:45), so I have some time to kill. I am still feeling pretty crumby after Sunday, and just can't exactly shake the feeling that I about to burst into tears. It's the strangest feeling to have to live in (I say live in, because it becomes your state of being while suffering through it.) It is just bizarre to sort of muddle through, and having to navigate through situations with some type of normalcy. But I seem to be getting by.

I think that right now, I am happily focussing on positive parts of my life right now, which for me, is mainly my up coming trip this summer to the U.K./France with my mom. I am spending spare pockets of time researching weather conditions for the time we will be there, and adjusting my packing list accordingly. I watch youtube videos to get ideas from people who have been there, and what to pack, what to see, where to go/stay/eat. I agonize over finding a balance between what I want to do versus what my mom wants to do and then what we have to do while there (I'm graduate school hunting). I went the other day and turned some of the money that I have been saving up into pounds and euros, so I actually have physical proof that I am leaving the country, and going on a grand adventure!! And I'm both terrified and thrilled by the prospect!! I am just really looking forward to seeing what waits me across the pond!!

But that is all I have for you now readers, whomever you are!

xoxo

P.S. If you have any good travel tips, things to bring, places to avoid, let me know in the comments below! Any help is appreciated!

PANIC ATTACK!!

So I'm writing this after probably one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a little while. In previous posts, I've written about my issues with self harm (an eating disorder and cutting), but I haven't really talked very much about my panic attacks.

I am very lucky in that I don't have a chronic issue with panic attacks, and I wouldn't say that this is a full blown disorder, but it is getting both better and yet worse at the same time. I think I've always been an anxious person, and a bit of a worry wort. Some things just make me a little bit more anxious then most other people. For example, I like to live in my comfortable little bubble, and so changes, no matter how small can make me VERY nervous and overwhelmed. I also hate being a passenger in a car. I just prefer to be the driver and therefore have control of the situation, which being a passenger doesn't allow. This can vary depending on whom I'm driving with, and how much a trust them, and I have made people pull over and let me drive to quell my anxiety. There are other things that can make me feel this way, and usually have to do with my many neurotic tendencies and fears.

Even sitting here, writing this… I'm getting anxious. Which I find very interesting. When I was talking about my eating disorder or cutting, I could have cared less about what anybody thought. I am not ashamed of having struggled with those issues and having over come them. But writing about my anxiety and panic, I feel very exposed, and afraid of being judged. I always think that people are just going to think that I'm "just being dramatic", which I can just be from time to time.

Sometimes I can completely predict when I will have a melt down, which of course makes the melt down worse because I get more nervous about the impending doom and embarrassment. An example would be when I have to give a presentation in class. I just DREAD talking in front of a room full of people and I imagine flinging myself off of a building rather then having to get up in front of a class and give a speech.

Other times, like tonight, it just creeps up on me. Tonight, I was just sitting and doing homework, when BAM! Flood of tears, shaking, hyperventilating… The works basically. And then the melt down about stats homework, led to freaking out about all my school work this week, on top of trying to do everything else I need to do to be a grown up, and the next thing I knew, I was curled up on the floor for 45 mins wishing I could melt away.

I think that is what people who are lucky enough to have normal responses to stress don't understand. The fact that I would rather crawl into a hole, turn invisible or die, then feel the way I feel in that particular moment. I think that sometimes people think that I'm doing it for attention, when all I really want, what I pray for, is that nobody looks at me or notices. That's the thing!! Trust me, I really don't want to draw any attention to myself when I'm in the middle of my worst nightmare. It is this crazy intense shock to the system, like I'm being electrocuted. And since I have such issues with control and feeling like I'm always in control, this is the WORST possible way for me to feel.

In some ways, it is getting better for me. I can control my nerves better when speaking in class, although… it's still not great. Even some of my everyday nervous tendencies are better controled. I can sit in a car, even when I'd rather stunt roll out of the moving car, then continue to sit there convinced they are trying to kill me. But what I have noticed is that when I do have a panic attack, or a freak out, they seem to be much worse then before. I guess there is always room for self improvement!!

Toodles!